Insidious Sustenance

Note: This was originally written on May 5, 2012.

     In high school I sat in the back row in every class, doodling in my notebook. I almost always finished all of my homework in 'study hall' (an optional class in which everyone sits in the cafeteria, required to be silent, and can work on whatever they want to). Then I would run home as fast as possible (to beat my sister to the remote control- whoever possessed the remote control got to decide what programs to watch on the tv). I made a giant unhealthy snack with the tv remote stuffed in a pocket, and then watched cartoons until dinner. Guess what? I still made the honor roll.

     I had a great time in college, and finished my last BS easily (as I expected to). I even had no trouble succeeding in graduate classes as an undergraduate. I did research, I remembered everything. I could quickly skim my notes before an exam and easily ace the exam. I had one class where the professor made exams that required us to actually think and solve problems we had never seen before, and I loved that (the other kids, not so much, some of them were even giving death threats to that professor).

     I started my MS like that, too. Something began to change, though...and it was me. The first thing I noticed was that I started getting sick more frequently than I normally did, then I started to get episodes of brain fog. At first I assumed maybe the classes were just getting harder, but I had just aced a difficult grad class, which even PhD students had dropped, saying "it's too hard, there's no way I'll get a good grade". I analyzed my situation, and no, it was not my classes, my TA position, my RA position, or my research. It was me.

     I decided to push through, but it got harder for me. By the time I finished my MS my concentration and memory issues had begun to increase, so I held off on my plans to go for my PhD, and decided to stay home while I regained my health (I was erroneously assuming I had some kind of burn-out issue, even though I loved getting degrees).

     Over the next few years my health got worse and worse. I was mired in brain fog more and more. The people around me who knew me as a smart person were getting irritated with me, thinking I wasn't paying attention to what they said, thinking I was pretending not to remember, thinking I was being lazy.

     I was getting sick more and more. I would get a sore throat, fever, and congestion. No one exposed to me would catch it. After two weeks of it I would get healthy, but my happiness started getting subdued, because I had less and less healthy time between sickness over time. Pretty soon I had one week of health between two or three weeks of sickness.

     I tried cutting out sugar (it reduces immune system function for some time after consuming it). I started adding fruit to my diet, and then I started adding vegetables. No change. I was still slowly deteriorating. I came across the idea of a green smoothie on an Internet forum. It seemed like a great idea to sneak in even more vegetables, so I decided to have one large green smoothie a day, in place of either breakfast or lunch. I still didn't get any healthier, but I noticed something odd that would later become significant: I didn't get mild nausea after consuming a green smoothie. I didn't mention that issue yet; I had nausea after every meal for years. With no other trouble I maintained that it must be related to my odd gut issues (doctors generally said they didn't know what was wrong, or that I possibly had IBS).

     Back to my other issues. In addition to the cognitive problems and illness issues, my hair was falling out (which was/is very upsetting to me). I got sick for two and a half months (by this time you had better believe I had been to the doctor and had bloodwork done, but the doctor found nothing wrong and said "maybe you're just unlucky").

     No one else caught this from me, so obviously my immune system was trashed. I was, at this point, so glad that I had documented everything (I made pages of graphs and charts and notes) from the start of the year (2011). I finally got better on vacation (in the Swiss Alps, actually). How interesting that I got better while sleeping in a frost covered tent, while hiking all day, and not eating much.

     After I got back I went through all of my documentation to try to figure this problem out (really difficult when I feel like my thoughts are mired in fog, and they move and wisp away as I try to grasp them- how I wished for the images in my mind to be crisp and clear like they once were). Anyway, I started to suspect diet. Remember that green smoothie? Why didn't it make me nauseous? I looked into my diet, and decided that it could be wheat. I ate wheat every day, in every meal- except the green smoothie.

     As difficult as it was, I cut wheat out of my diet. I stopped getting sick. I was healthy for one entire month and I was elated! I found the problem! But had I? I still had brain fog, though not as bad, I still didn't feel as strongly healthy as I had in the far distant past, and some wheat free meals still made me nauseous. I didn't understand what the problem could be until one of my friends mentioned her son's problems with gluten. Gluten... could that be it? I tried to cut gluten out of my diet (not an easy task, by the way, when it used to be in every meal). I kept getting accidental exposures to it, but the good thing was that I found the problem!

     After almost two months of an attempted gluten-free diet, I felt the need to confirm my problem with the doctor. So I went to the doctor and brought along the papers with everything I had documented from all of 2011, and papers I had documented from my diet trials in 2012, and a list of the problems I had over my entire life. That seemed like overkill, but I really wanted answers.

     My doctor said he thinks I might have celiac disease, and he wanted me back on gluten for 6 weeks. After 6 weeks on gluten I could get my blood drawn for testing. Those were a terrible six weeks! My symptoms came whirling back, seemingly even worse than before. I did it anyway, got blood drawn, and went back to the doctor. We discussed my symptoms, and he said it really sounds like celiac disease, but my blood test said no. He wanted me to get small intestine biopsies done, but I felt so weak at that point, I said no to the biopsies. The doctor told me I should stick to the gluten-free diet anyway, because of my symptoms.

     After that I read somewhere that the celiac blood test gives false negatives 7 out of 10 times, and only tests for reactions to two of the gliadins (IgA and IgG), although there other gliadens in gluten that could be the problem for an individual. So maybe I really do have celiac disease, maybe I don't, but I definitely need a gluten free diet!

     Now, off of that tangent and back to my cognitive function. It is improving, but I am still not back to my old self. I know there is a possibility that I may never fully recover in this area, but I desperately hope to. I can remember how I once was, and it is very sad to lose that.

Links for more information on gluten intolerance:

http://glutenintoleranceschool.com/
http://www.glutenfreesociety.org/
The Gluten Free Society has some informative videos that are free to watch.  It is not free to join their forum, though.

The Movies

Note: This was originally written on June 4, 2012.

     For the first time in over ten years, I went to a movie with my husband, just the two of us. Since our daughter was born I had been to the movies as a family only a few times, to cartoon movies that our daughter would enjoy. We don't do that very often because our daughter prefers to wait and buy the movies to watch at home later, over watching them in the theater when they come out. Prior to her birth we rarely went to movies together because there are few movies I care to see, and our taste in films differs. My husband typically watches movies with friends or alone.

     We went to see "The Very Best Marigold Hotel". I really did enjoy the movie, even though it made me feel a little emotional. I enjoyed it because I have been to India a few times, and I have brought along friends to India for vacations. It was fun to see the characters' different personalities and how each one handled the situation. It also made me feel more inclined to go on another trip to India. There are so many parts of India that I have not yet seen.

     Back to the movies... There are some upcoming movies I do want to see. One is "Brave". Yes, it is one of the cartoon movies that my daughter will like, but I suspect I will like it too. I also look forward to "The Hobbit". I already read the book (a chapter at a time) to my daughter. Probably slightly scary for bedtime stories, but she enjoyed it nonetheless. One excuse for doing so was that I wanted my daughter to know the original story before seeing the movie (I try to stick to that rule when I can). My other excuse was that I wanted it fresh in my mind, as I last read it when I was a kid. I also would have gone to see the 3D releases of the Star Wars movies, but 3D gives me a headache if I watch it for more than a few minutes (probably due to my slightly messed up vision).

     One last thing, I found that watching a movie in the theater is much more enjoyable if I wear earplugs. I do have sensitive ears, and usually the volume levels in theaters is physically uncomfortable for me. Earplugs also have added benefit of discouraging my husband from talking to me during the movie. I just remembered, that was one of the reasons I stopped going to the movies with him in the first place.

:)

Update:  I did enjoy "Brave".  Now I'm eagerly awaiting "The Hobbit".

Bralessness- an update

     Hello again! It is now late in October and I last wore a bra in April. When I first stopped wearing bras (primarily for comfort reasons) I switched to shelf camisoles. They were a good transition because they have a double layer of cloth in the chest area, and only a light band of elastic (which is not nearly as uncomfortable as a bra band). They also work under shirts or sweaters in situations where a high level of modesty is desired (the darker the color, the less shows; for example, my black camisoles look almost like I have some kind of bra on, but my lavender camisoles show my nipples and some of my breast shape quite obviously).

     I used shelf camisoles all summer, including on my vacations (First a trip to Minnesota, then a big trip to the UK, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, and Finland, with a final stop in Amsterdam).  The camisoles work great under my uniform in martial arts class, and work fine as a stand alone shirt any time it's hot out. They provided me with a gradual increase in my confidence. Gradually letting me get used to my nipples being noticeable (but not as noticeable as with only one layer of cloth), and smooshing my breasts just enough to obscure their natural shape (because I am still working on getting used to natural breast shape over the artificial shape seen almost everywhere). They allowed enough movement that I experienced some benefits of bralessness, like a massive reduction in pre-menstrual breast soreness, and a firming up of my breast tissue.  I also no longer get a sweat rash between my breasts (I used to get that even though I am not ample enough to have cleavage).

     There were no problems over the summer with my choice of clothing from other people, either. I was mentally prepared for issues, because my choice to go braless goes against the mainstream. But then, I've never been one for going with the mainstream. Anyway, I am happy to report no problems (unless you would count the guy I crossed on the running path, who looked very happy about crossing me, as a problem- I don't count that as a problem).

A new development:

     Recently I have been getting annoyed by the light elastic band in my shelf camisoles, so I decided to ditch those too (well, I might just cut the shelf liner out of my favorites). It feels so freeing to have nothing constricting my chest. When I was walking to pick my daughter up from school on the first day that I went outside with only one layer of cloth between my breasts and the outside world, I thought “Wow, this feels so comfortable, I bet my upper body feels as comfortable as a man's right now.” Yes, that's really the thought that went through my mind, a few times. I was just amazed at how good it felt. Especially when the breeze entered my shirt sleeve for a moment (I was wearing a nerdy regular T-shirt, not a fitted T-shirt).

     Another benefit I have just noticed, is that what looked like a permanent dent around my ribcage where my bra-strap used to sit, has disappeared. My back looks smooth with clean lines now. Now all that's left is to get more used to my natural breast shape since, obviously, they did not grow in the shape that bras tend to push breasts into. That bra-induced shape is what I've seen on myself for so many years now (especially in the last few years, when I had more expensive bras), it's an adjustment that may take a little time, but my comfort and health are so important.  Bralessness is permanently a part of me now (I admit I may, on some years, use a bra as part of a Halloween costume, just like I sometimes wear a corset at the Renaissance Fair).  I have listed below some links that contain useful information about going brafree, including the health benefits.

Please keep my comment policy in mind if you wish to leave a comment. :)

http://goingbraless.net/  (If you plan to go braless, the forum is supportive and has useful information).

http://www.brafree.org/research.html  (Scroll down for lists of research article references).

http://www.007b.com/  (This site also has photo galleries of natural breasts- a great counter to the flood of commercialized images we are typically exposed to).

On Bralessness

Note: This was originally written in May, 2012.

     Yep. No bra. I am not wearing a bra today. I haven't worn one for three weeks. Not even in my little black dress which I wore to a Broadway show.

     Guess what? My breasts are starting to feel fuller, and look more even. I am not worried about future sagging. Bra or no bra, we all get old eventually and then everything will go south no matter what. I have actually seen, in person, tribal women who have never worn bras. There was nothing wrong with their breasts; and when considering different age groups, I saw no difference there with what I have seen in gym locker rooms in this country (not counting artificial breasts of course, I'm only talking about natural breasts here).

     So why should I wear a bra? To hide my nipples? Why? Everyone has nipples. They are normal. Sure, a few people get freaked out by them, and I'm sure some guys won't be able to take their eyes off of them. But, I don't think those are good enough reasons for me to go back to wearing a bra. I am not here to please other people's eyes, nor do I wish to be uncomfortable to prevent random males from ogling at me. To prevent sagging? That's not even true (that bras will prevent sagging), and there is even some evidence that sagging will happen sooner if bras are worn.

     After two weeks of not wearing a bra, I tried on one of my favorite bras. I used to wear it all the time (and indeed it is pretty- a nice silk one I bought in London). It was almost unbearably uncomfortable! Even my loosest sports bras felt very uncomfortable. It reminded me of those early insults to my being. First, when my mom said "You have to start putting on a shirt when you go outside!” She said something about getting older, and upcoming puberty... I really don't remember everything she said because I felt crushed when I heard that I could no longer run around shirtless like the boys. It felt like the end of my freedom. The second blow was the training bra. I hated it. It was so uncomfortable and held sweat against my skin. It did it's job. Through being forced to wear that awful thing I eventually came to accept wearing a bra. I wore them all through my teens and twenties, though they never fit right. The cups were never the right shape for my very firm unsquishable breasts, and the band always rode up my back.

     After I had a baby at age 30, I had a much bigger cup size (I breastfed), but the same band size. Finding a fitting nursing bra was impossible!  After weaning, my breasts went back to the exact size they were before, except they were not super firm anymore, I could squish them into bra cups. Eventually I also figured out my real bra size: 30D. No wonder those 34B's never fit right. The fitters in the US almost always told me 34B, by the way, unless the store had 32C's, in which case the fitter would then tell me that my size was 32C. I was properly fitted at a specialty bra shop in London. If you are from the US, you would be utterly amazed by the range of bra sizes they have.

     Anyway, I went a little off course there, now back to the topic of not wearing a bra. I have gone braless for a few martial arts classes (punching & kicking, and grappling), horseback riding, and some jogging. I have done the first four ZWOWs (can be found on this YouTube channel) with no bra, with jumping jacks for warming up. No issues. No pain, no unpleasant bouncing. I suspected that would be the case, because in the fall I ran the Bare Dare in nothing but running shoes. It was not a problem for me at all.

     I understand that we are all different, and there will always be some women who prefer to wear a bra, and that's totally fine. I think it is also totally fine to go braless, and I think that it should always be a valid and accepted choice.

I realize this is a sensitive topic for some.  Please keep my comment policy in mind if you decide to leave a comment.

:)

Star Wars Weekends

Note: I wrote this a few months before posting it.

Oh boy, I love being a nerd!  I don't live too far from Disney World, and the last few weekends have been Star Wars Weekends at Hollywood Studios.  Yay!  The whole family enjoys it.  On the first weekend that we went, we saw the Darth Maul show (called "Visit to the Mall").  I was afraid my daughter would be bored with it, but she loved it.  She was on the edge of her seat, and became a big Darth Maul fan by the end of it.  I really wish I had video recorded her reenacting some of Darth Maul's moves with a toy double-ended light saber.  She did a great job!  It looked extra cool because I had her hair in two round high buns (not the same style that many associate with Princess Leia).

We also went on Star Tours many times.  I was absolutely thrilled that I was the rebel spy on one of the rides.  It was even a great photo (I had a cool suspicious look because I was trying to find the camera).  It got even better because the incoming transmission was from Yoda.  Those 3D glasses made it look like Yoda was pointing right at me.  That was so cool!  After that particular ride I had my fun extended because of a child.  I heard a little boy behind me asking his mom who the rebel spy was.  His mom pointed to me as I turned my head to look at him.  He gasped with surprise, so I just smiled and turned my head back to the front.  I managed to keep myself from giggling as I overheard the kid asking his mom all kinds of questions about me.  He was young enough to really believe the ride was real and that I really was a rebel spy.  It was so fun.

The next weekend that we went I wore my hair in the style Princess Leia wears on cloud city, when they encounter Vader.  It looks like a bun with two looped braids under it.  This time we watched the celebrity motorcade in the morning, and then spent time enjoying the characters and taking nerdy photos with them.  The only bad time was when I was getting my photo with Darth Vader.  My daughter was terrified that I was in a line to 'meet' Darth Vader, and she cried for most of that time, thinking Vader would do something bad to me (my husband took her to see other things, but she was still worried about me).  I thought that was funny that she loves Darth Maul and Ventress, but is terrified of Darth Vader.  I did give her plenty of comforting and reassurance after I got my photos with Darth Vader.

The third time we went to the Star Wars Weekend event, my husband was the rebel spy on one of the Star Tours rides.  He got the incoming transmission from Admiral Ackbar.  He enjoyed it, but now our daughter is getting really eager to be the rebel spy on that ride.  Our last visit is coming up at the end of this week.  We just have the Florida Resident Seasonal Passes, which have blackout dates for pretty much any day that kids have off from school.  That means we can't go for the entire summer,  during spring break, and during major holidays.  Oh well, I will enjoy what I can.

:)
June 4, 2012